I started this blog nearly 8 months ago and have posted nothing since. I think I will change that with a new post and get into a more regular schedule for doing so if for no other reason than to organize my thoughts from time to time. I have been learning a small chunk of programming and continue to stay true to great words by an amazing author,” …Specialization is for insects.” to heavily paraphrase Heinlein. I was evicted from my home around 8 months ago, a place I had moved to for my significant other’s sake alongside my best friend. I did not have a great desire to live there, the climate was of bitter winds that chilled to the bone. While I am fond of cold, this was not enjoyable to live in so continuously. I was jobless, moving to a place with very little room to actually hire people. This was a stupid mistake to have made, but I made it with the best intentions, to try and make my significant other happier. So there I was, after about 5 months living together and slowly growing apart while my best friend took over every aspect of our emotional relationship. I refused to acknowledge this was happening and blamed myself for feeling guilty about feeling jealous. Jealousy being a perfectly natural response here, but something I’d very much like to be rid of, polyamory is a wonderful goal when it comes to self-determination and freedom but one I am not currently capable of… or perhaps was not capable of in that situation without assistance.
I spiraled, hard, into a deep depression in the time I was living with them. Segregated and not helped relations grew worse but I continued to try and solve it all within my own mind, ruminating worse and worse every day and trying to block it out with focusing on applying for work and studying or playing games to occupy my time. Never actually looking up my own symptoms and never asking those around me for help, but in turn never getting anything but ignored by those I loved most deeply at a time I needed them more than ever. Many will go through these kinds of phases of mental imbalance, those two whom I loved so dearly did as well especially my significant other. I feel still a deep rage at how I was not helped when even through my significant other’s shitty behavior in their own depression I stuck through and recognized this was not them but rather the mental illness afflicting them at the time. They got better and as always things were grand for a time, but when I needed the same pillars of support none were to be found. I aided this isolation in thinking if only I could control these feelings I could again talk to these people, I segregated myself in many ways by not asking for help and by not talking about what I knew was a problem. I feared the loss of the ones I loved though, deeply feared the fiscal weight held over my head by those I quite literally owed my existence to at that time. I finally spoke up and asked for help, like I had months before when things were not so bad and had recieved nothing in turn. Finally we spoke…
It was too late however, my actions were deemed to be too little at that late date and I was removed in a fashion wrought with deception of the highest magnitude. Led out of my home on promise of a ‘dinner date’ as if to start working towards re-fostering our relationship we ate and spoke before I was eventually left with a ‘Dear John’ letter as it were. It detailed that my car was outside of this fine establishment and all my belongings were packed inside by my former best friend, I was to return to my home state and resign myself to no contact for 3 weeks. This shattered me. I have spent a great deal of the past 8 months rebuilding my life in the wake of an 8 year relationship and today I felt myself slipping back into that hate and depression again. It is something I refuse to do anymore, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder when I returned to my home state and acquired a job, seeking therapy to try and avoid the incredibly real threat of suicide that weighed on me daily. Over time I’ve accepted this staggering defeat and have brought myself to a place where I am far happier than I can recall being except for those moments where life was good -with- my significant other. I am learning to live without that kind of romance, that kind of person so close to you and I miss it, but I am growing far more rapidly because of it. I still love both of those people and I am sorry for my own irrational behavior and the jealous, shitty person I became for quite some time. I am aggravated by their own failure to recognize their mistakes and how many of their actions led to my growing depressive, jealous ire. I take responsibility for my actions and hope that perhaps, one day, one of them spots this little stream of consciousness and we can work to rebuild… but it is something they likely do not want and it is something I must rid myself of completely to truly be free. So I will organize these thoughts in a more permanent manner to reflect on who I am as from what I was and one day look back at these words as the person I will be.
For now, I march on through Anarchist thought and rattle my old world. Beliefs must always give way to competing evidence if one is to be more accurate about their predictions in this world, if one is to change to a more desirable state. I am ready to move on, finally, as well as ready to greet the new and old alike with a fresh set of eyes. I’m back and I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, there’s too much knowledge that I still don’t have and far too much fun to be had yet. So I will keep charging on through Programming, Common Lisp, my new friend Racket, Bioengineering, and all the other things that keep me interested including history, political discussion and those whom I care deeply about ( the ones who sacrificed time and effort to care for the crippled mental mess I was in the fallout of that situation ranted about above). I will speak what is on my mind for those who care to listen and maybe offer a new thought or two as I gain a bit more knowledge in this world. I feel as if things are okay, it has not been this way and to me that is momentous. I hope whosoever reads this will enjoy it or find some comfort/knowledge in my words from this post and on.
Musings of a mewling lisper. 